who's story is it?

I'm in a documentary of social practice class, in which we had to do a short portrait of a fellow student. I was assigned to a guy named Alex Culter, a native New Jerseyan, turned LA actor, turned UCLA grad, turned law student, turned Australian film producer, turned history teacher, turned grad student. Alex calls himself a "career career transitioner." I agree.

It was a short project but I learned a lot because not only was I documenting Alex but someone was documenting me. A sort of documentee-documentor drama unfolded. The person doing me had a lot of technical issues with tapes and editing. I had a lot of storyline structure issues with length and precedence.

We screened all the short films today and I saw the same struggle with all of the other students. Some with sound issues, some with storyline. The guy I documented's piece was 20 minutes long. The assignment called for 3.

It made me realize that documentary can be done is SOOO many different ways. I was surprised to see some very artistic renderings and some very cinema verite pieces. It has all to do with the subject AND the author. It is a two way street.

So now I see it as, a project can be very much driven by a subject matter but it has everything to do with the documentarian and if you are pitching it as social practice whose to say what you are trying to portray?

We had a short discussion about whether to narrate, or to have titles, or to have a sort of "host" of the documentary like Michael Moore. I had said you shouldn't "star" in your own documentary. My professor disagreed and said there needs to be more documentary "stars." Her reasoning is it brings more awareness to the medium. She encouraged me to try it.

She is no slouch. My professor did a documentary on her father. “Doc” is the story of H.L. Humes, a famous writer, talker, literary thinker, and troublemaker of the 60’s, a contemporary Don Quixote. Chased out of New York, Doc moved to France to start the “Paris Review” a literary magazine devoted to the thoughts of authors. Writers writing about writing. Doc experimented with a lot of drugs at the time and began accusing the CIA and FBI of following him. He was put in a mental hospital but later released by his family due to the prison like conditions.

His family moved away from him back to New York to get on with their lives.

Full of paranoia Doc stopped writing and moved back to New York a few years later. He showed up on many ivy league campuses (to a sort of cult following) to “preach” about big brother, marijuana, massage, among many many other things. He died of cancer in 1992 at the age of 83. My professor, Immy, filed a freedom of information act request and received a large file. It turns out the US government was keeping tabs on him from 1948-1977.

You can see a clip of the Film here.

The documentary was looking at some major issues of loss and abandonment, as a daughter and as a father, mental illness, drugs, government control. It ran the gamut. It was fascinating.

Immy was the documentor and had complete creative control over her subject but I also feel "Doc" had this story. It was his story to tell. It just so happens he had a film making daughter to tell it.

It's all Geek to Me

"It sounds like a geek project ," that was my dad's chief computer guy, Michael, to me after I asked him to advise me on reinstalling my operating system.

"Does that mean I can't do it?" I replied questioning my own geekiness at this point?

Even the Geek Squad at Best Buy had advised I NOT do it. My inner-geek ego was faltering a bit.

"No. I just think you may have better luck paying somebody who is geekier than you and can put this computer in recovery mode and babysit it"

Is he attacking my babysitting skills? I am very attentive. Okay, one time my cousin I was babysitting, dropped off a swing and hit his head. One time. I was like 12. It was a high swing. Not my fault.

Okay, I also severely dehydrated my best friend's dog. We went for a run. It was hot. It was August. It was Houston. How was I supposed to know. He's a great Dane for Pete's sake....That Dane got me back though. He tore a whole in the upholstery of my dad's new boat.

Which I was babysitting....

Anyway, computers I can babysit. I babysit one everyday at work..watching the wires ..waiting for something to break. I also babysit-- Twitter, Blogger, Outlook, Dotcom (part of a web producers job)...they are very needy...but I knew that my idea of "locating drivers" was looking in the garage.

I consulted a computer guru at work.

"I'm going to re-install Windows XP on my laptop." I said to Bob.

After the laughter subsided. Seriously, it was almost 2 whole minutes of laughter, he said "Do you have all the disks?"

"Yes." I lied.

All I need to do now is recover my windows recovery disks. I'm sure they're somewhere...I keep them in a file called "disks u will always be able to locate... until your computer crashes." Filed somewhere next to bin 13.

While In Recovery mode ( of recovery disks) I can look for other things like all the backups I've made over the last few years. I'm sure I've done one backup. I mean at least one in the last three years?? One? Sarah please tell me you have done one?

My parents OWN a data storage company for keeping backups. They have for..I don't know..my whole life and I still have yet to figure this out.

Michael's back on the phone. "Maybe you SHOULD restore this computer. Maybe it's time to learn how."

He's right.

Off to babysit...

First step...Partition configuration?

And then I read this...

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/CompanyFocus/how-your-undies-track-the-recession.aspx
your undies tracking the recession?

http://nymag.com/daily/food/2009/06/obamas_endlessly_fascinating_d.html
Obama: a food book already?

http://nymag.com/daily/food/2009/06/yet_another_sweets_truck_rolls.html
more of these trucks coming out...recession trend??

http://www.dailycandy.com/new_york/article/43452/The+Fabulous+Biker+Boys
build your own bike from bamboo??

http://smokezip.com/index.html
electronic cigarettes...why we need them...why the FDA doesn't want them??

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-bucket-boys-03-jun03,0,4477244.story
getting rid of street performers...and are there more??

http://www.reuters.com/article/technologyNews/idUSTRE55171K20090602
opera out performing iphone?? whats next in mobile browsing??

http://news.cnet.com/8301-13860_3-10253924-56.html .. windows 7 out oct 22
what is taking so long for Windows 7?? Heard Beta version is AMAZING...

http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/real-time_cellphone_data_emerging_world.php
What our cell phone data is saying about us??

http://www.mediapost.com/publications/?fa=Articles.showArticle&art_aid=107214
a to do list for Bing: how to beat google...

http://www.pressdemocrat.com/article/20090602/LIFESTYLE/906029934?Title=Is-Napa-s-wine-auction-recession-proof-
"video snacking"...that is what we call consumers when they watch videos at random on the web.

http://ow.ly/aQm3
miley new clothing line..by BCBG and Walmart and Herve Leger??? yuck.

http://imjustcreative.com/claim-your-twitter-account-with-technorati-for-statistical-pleasure/2009/06/03/
you can claim your twitter account with technorati???

http://www.fathead-movie.com/?page_id=2
is fat head movie just more of the same b-sing of nutritional b-sing...

My first recession "cavity"

I saw an ad for $1 teeth whitening and I was intrigued. I got on their web site and then yelped them. Seemed they had good reviews so I made an appointment. They are electronic online reservations which I liked. I show up the day of my appointment and they are very very nice. It's a tiny place the size of my apartment probably smaller. A guy comes out of the exam room to take my chart. Intern I think. I go get fitted plastered for whitening trays and then they call me into the exam room. And the intern is my dentist. He examines my teeth and xrays and informs me I have a cavity. What?!?, I said" the last time I had a cavity was like 7th grade."

I've been getting my teeth cleaned by this guy in soho for the last 3 years and he's never even mentioned any thing that even resembled a cavity. In fact the hygentist often comments that I have perfect teeth. Perfect. So you can imagine my surprise. I come from a long line of dental hygenists and I'm pretty sure they would have even mentioned I had a cavity over Easter.

I had the guy show me it in the xray. But he said it was on the surface you can't see it. Then I had him point it out in a mirror. Nothing.

So my 1$ whitening turned into a 144 dollar "cavity." Ug.

Oh and ps the intern just happened to have time in his schedule to fill it. Today. Right now. Cash or check?

COME ONE, COME ALL.

It's the weekend. It's 85 degrees. It has been the coldest, longest, snowiest, winter in New York I have ever seen. This just happens to be the perfect formula for a day in the park......with 8 million of your closest friends. No one likes to defrost alone.

I'm not sure what Central Parks maximum occupancy is..but it was hovering pretty dang close to a fire hazard today. It was sort of like there was this party in the park and everyone was invited and everyone decided to come.

Today was the perfect opportunity to meet everyone of your Manhattan neighbors.

Here is the good news...if you missed today word on the street is there is another party tomorrow. See ya'll there.

P.S. It's BYOCS. (Bring your own cell service)

The Germans are coming

Things I've learned from the Germans who are visiting us in New York

"we love the American food"

"we love the barbeque the meat the portions and the ranch dressings."

"we love the ben and jerrys"

They will watch 4 hours of "cooking channel" (food network) but not one frame of Gossip Girl. They also think the word gossip stands for Gospal and missy elliot sang Gospal music in "gossip folks"

After explaining that I had jury duty on Thursday they asked me "if I had signed up for this because I had seen the crime."

They think Tivo is magic and I can fast forward live Events while they are happening in real time.

When we take a cab they press every single tab on the taxi tv screen repeatedly until we reach our destination.

We went to ground zero and they asked if the freedom tower would have rental apartments available.

More later...

The Germans are coming

Feel free to unfasten those belt buckles we aren't going anywhere

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Gate 9 and 10

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Gate 8

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Family in Queens turns on sprinkler, every flight at LGA cancelled

I'm living in a third world country. Today due to low ceiling my flight to Memphis was delayed by 8 hours and eventually canceled.

Yes, it's frustrating but LGA holds the guiness book of world records on flight delays followed closely by JFK and Newark. It's incredible. Not sure but that's probably not a distingush you are looking for. Who does these airports PR? what exactly is there to brag about.

"New York city is full of museums. Including the airport!"

People have actually fossilized while waiting to depart.

My favorite part is that my gate was number 8. I looked around and around and realized there is no gate number 8.

But not to worry a piece of notebook paper had gate 8 written in magic marker to relieve the lost flyers. Thank you LGA.

To all those headed out to Detroit making up the vast majority of stranded flyers today.... Hope you at least get a "all my friends went to the final four and all I got was this t -shirt because I was stuck at la guardia." shirt.

Don’t Throw the Beach out with the Bath Water

I’m was at home tonight having a nice polite conversation in the kitchen with my roommate who just got back from Philadelphia. (without a tan.) She casually turns to me and asks.

“Have you seen what’s in our bath tub?”

“OhMyGod.” I am now standing in the living room. “WHAT. IS. IN. OUR. BATHTUB.” My eyes glued open.

“Just go look,” she says.

“IS IT A TARANTULA?” I scream.

“No, just go look.” She is annoyed.

“IS IT A REPTILE?” I am still in the living room. "IS IT A SHARK??"

I then do that bug in your hair dance where you shake every part of your body while jumping up and down. I become nauseous. I am sweating.

“Stop freaking out. It’s not that bad.” She says pushing me into the dark WC. Yeah but it depends on your definition of bad. A bathtub full of gin. Not so bad. A bathtub full of leeches. Bad.

I flip the light on and find…. a beach. A beach in our bathtub.

“What in the hell.” I cry out the bathroom door.

“I know, what you think it is?” she asks.

Either Philadelphia just got really tropical or she went on a beach vacation without telling me.

“Um, did you go to Mexico sans Sarah? Was shaking out your towels in our bathtub your way of breaking it to me?” I asked annoyed staring at the mess.

But as I looked closer I thought Mexico doesn’t have sheetrock and crown molding.

This is almost an inch thick spraying of debris throughout the bathtub. I scanned the walls and ceiling very closely and there was no signs of a puncture, a drill whole, or even a dent. Where did this come from?

My roommate was now standing back in the bathroom asking where I thought it might have come from.

“The cat dragged it in.” referring to a cat that had broken into our apartment once. She rolled her eyes.

I didn’t know, but now I was pulling on the faucets on the curtain rods climbing up on the tub to look at the water heater. Nothing. I couldn’t believe it. No holes in the ceiling. In the walls. The window wasn't open. It was a mystery.

My roommate asked what we should do about it. She wanted to take a bath.

“I’m sure it will make a nice exfoliant.” I said.

I always wanted to live on the beach.

Hey, You Guys!!

vs.

A US Submarine and US Ship crashed into each other early this morning. They were conducting routine security operations off the coast of Iran. The USS Hartford and the USS New Orleans collided around 1 a.m. in the Strait of Hormuz.

One interesting thing to note about the US Submarine is this isn’t her first dance.

The USS Hartford has had trouble in the past with navigation. Rewind to October 2003 when she crashed herself on an Island in the Mediterranean. The accident cost 9 million dollars to repair.

Here is a partial transcript of what happened please note what the Executive Officer says at 12:36.

October 25, 2003:

11:55 The Hartford eased away from her tender and moved into the channel. within minutes the boat's Voyage Management System, which provides the navigation team with electronic navigation charts and automatic fixes of the boat's position, crashed.
12:09 The navigation team noticed a four knot difference in the speed readouts of the navigator and the electromagnetic log, two other key pieces of navigation equipment.
12:22 The captain ordered the boat to increase speed to 12 knots from the planned speed of 9.5 knots. At approximately the same time, the assistant navigator and an electronics technician left the control room to try to determine what was causing the equipment failures. The captain was never notified that key members of the navigation crew had left their stations.
12:28 The bridge ordered the turn almost 500 yards early. As a result of the equipment failures, a waypoint was entered into the GPS incorrectly, putting the turning point several hundred yards off the correct location.
12:30 The navigation team makes an attempt to fix the boat's position on the charts. The investigation found the boat was about 400 yards closer to Bisce Island than the position the crew plotted.
12:34 The Hartford turns into the fourth leg of her course out of the harbor. It is not clear who ordered this turn.
12:36 The navigation team makes a tentative fix on the boat's position but are unable to confirm it. There is growing concern on the bridge about the lack of a plotted position: the executive officer asks the navigation team,
"Nav, where the **** are we?", the captain asks the XO "do we have anything at all working down there?".
12:37 The sailor watching the fathometer warns the depth under the hull is decreasing, and was now just 100 feet.
12:37:30 The fathometer alerts the depth under the hull is now just 83 feet
12:37:45 Again the fathometer watch warns that the water level is down to just 50 feet
12:40 Hartford strikes the bottom about 1100 yards off Bisce Island. The boat begins to slow. Afraid that the boat would be stranded on the rocks, the squadron commodore, 22 year old Captain Greg Parker said "Speed on."
The first collision is followed by two more impacts, the second of these is the worst, rolling the boat 10 to 12 degrees onto her port side, and lifting her out of the water
13:40 the assistant navigator suffered a panic attack and had to be removed from the control room

Most involved with the grounding were fired. It seems crashing a submarine is not a resume builder.

I’m not saying the two accidents are related but also… not resume builders.

“What did you do today?”
“Oh I crashed into another US vessel.”

The collision this morning is still under investigation. The USS New Orleans suffered significant damage to its fuel tank and dumped around 25,000 gallons of oil into the strait.

In any case, it’s not everyday when a US submarine collides with one of its own.

Woops…didn’t see you there.

Cause for arrest: Lost Her S#*!

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Leftover Walks

Sometimes you just need a walk. I’ve been taking a lot of those lately. I’m not sure if it’s related to the weather or whether I just need to let off some steam. At any rate, I’ve decided to document my walks in a new segment called: Leftover Walks.

I got off the train coming home from work yesterday. I made a right turn and went into my bank to argue overage charges. My bank likes to give themselves “retention bonuses,” when I go over in my account. I give them lots of money.. and they keep my money.. and then the account goes in debt and they give themselves a nice bonus because they offered protection on my account. They call this an "insufficient funds fee." I call it “sort of like AIG”. But I digress, problem fixed. Back to my walk.

I went to Quickly on Grand Street who just happens to have some pretty good bubble tea. They also have a student discount. Quick tip: any card in your wallet will work as a student ID, business cards, library cards, AARP cards.

After bubble tea I took a right on Christie and headed south. I saw a commotion in the park. I walked over and saw a very large group of people watching a women being arrested. She had apparently lost something in the park and went crazy. So she quiet literally lost her &#it. Why this drew a large crowd of over 200 people? I’m not sure, but I stayed for the duration of the arrestation to find out.

There was a park attended shouting something over a bull horn to the masses but I didn’t know what he was saying because… I don’t speak mandarin.

I then took a right on Baxter and landed myself right in front of Bangkok Station…my favorite place to get bubble tea. I didn’t realize they had another location. I was only aware of their store on Elizabeth Street. And seeing as I had just had a bubble tea….I decided to get another one.

Two bubble teas later, a walk down Bowery, a stop in the park to read a magazine, I decided I wanted Chinese food. There is this Buffet place down the street from us that looks interesting. There is a sign in the window that says 3.99. I don’t know what that is advertising. I was hoping it wasn’t the buffet. I have this rule that you should never eat Chinese food if it’s under $4.00.

So I walked in and said to the lady “One” and she said “3.99” and I said “For the buffet?”

“Yes,” she said.

“All you can eat???” I said, like I was at CiCis Pizza. What was I thinking??

She said “Five Item.”

She handed me a Styrofoam box and a tray.

I sheepishly walked down the sides of the buffet to find a wide array of food I had never seen before. I pointed to things I thought were possibly chicken in some kind of sauce with some kind of vegetable. Different dull colors with different stews. I wasn’t sure on any of them. Where was the shiny pink sauce with the fired chicken? There were no signs. I tried to avoid things like raw fish heads and what might have been an animal I wouldn’t want to eat.

The woman shoveling the food into my box was unenthusiastic and a little too generous with her portions. I couldn’t believe that 5 dishes were piling up in my box one on top of the other weighing between 5 and 10 pounds.

For 3.99.

I walked to the end of the counter and this woman bagged it up and then put a carton of soup in my bag. Seriously? More?

The soup might have been a fish stock. The aroma was causing my eyes to cross. I had to get out of there.

I had plenty of leftovers from this walk and needed to lay down.

I exited the buffet restaurant and found myself in front of a Bubble Tea place. Humm? Maybe just...

Who burried the beer?

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Who burried the beer?

This morning I awoke to the enlightening sounds of a trash compactor and beer cans being opened.

I looked out the window to make sense of it all. Blurry eyed and pissed, I saw a large dump truck with two guys in mr. Rubbish. Shirts hauling dirt, fiberglass and beer cases into the compactor.

About 5 feet away was the neighborhood baglady shotgunning beercans.

Except for one minor detail. She was not drinking them. She was emptying then into the street.

Cases and cases of beer surrounded her. She would take one can pierce a hole in it and empty the contents on our sidewalk and throw them in her shopping cart. The cans were covered in dirt and not distinguishable from my distance.

I had to get a closer look. I got dressed and went down there.

The beers were apparently unearthed under our appartment during construction today ...possibly dating back to 1991.

They are TsingChuen , a beer that underwent a hefty legal battle agsinst tsingtao in the early 90s. Due to copyright infringement.

At any rate I don't think they survived.

During brunch my friends coworker asked if they had a born on date?

No. Possibly 1991.

"the year of the rat". He said. "no good."

Killer interview.

One of the greatest things about working at west 57th is the neighboring meth clinic.

Always an opportunity for a good soundbite.

My photog was setting up on the corner for a standup, he had his tripod up with the camera and he was setting up some lights.

This guy walks out of the meth clinic and stands infront of the camera and proceeds to interview himself.

Most people on the street almost always think if they see a camera they assume , without fail , it is on. Most wave ,some laugh ,some run.

One time I took a red rainbow lightup little tikes mic into a bar and interviewed people "on air" and most everyone was really nervous but provided good commentary for my "viewers".

Same thing here. This guy thought he was on air and proceeded as usual with his biopic in front of the camera.

Until he decided to ask my photog. " yo is this thing on" to which my photog said... " only if you've killed somebody."

He said "oh yea s#%+ I've killed lots of people."

Oh yeah, you're good then.

No Data on Tulsa Newspapers. Yep.

This is a map that was in the New York Times today depicting the US and how newspaper circulation has declined. Yes, we all know this, but do we all know that...upon further investigation the Times could provide no information on the Tulsa World.

If you look at the map the Tulsa World is the ONLY circle that is grey providing the fact that they found "no data" as indicated in their key. There is currently no data on the current state of the newspaper industry in the state of Oklahoma according to the Times.

Thank you New York Times for this very helpful information. I was worried. I thought maybe there was some unexplained business model that would revolutionize the way we see print today. But alas, I am relieved, just nothing to report. Business as usual.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/03/12/business/20090312-papers-graphic.html

One day I was at the new York stock exchange and the Dow was up. I know. Crazy.

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Thanks for the Latte, Tweet ya later.

I'm following Dunkin Donuts on Twitter. I have no idea why except that they have 99cent lattes that are really too good to be true. I see a lot of people following Starbucks, which is stupid.

Why are 80,000 people following Starbucks on Twitter and only 9,000 following Dunkin Donuts. When was the last time Starbucks gave you a 99 cent latte? Yeah, that is what I thought. or what about a 99 cent Cheese Danish? 99 cent Hashbrown? Thank you very much.

SBUX is now offering breakfast pairings for 3.95. Are they kidding me? 4 Bucks...is that the best you can do Starbucks?? 4 dollars for a cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich? At Dunkin I can get a whole meal for that and AT LEAST 70-280 more calories.

Txs for the Latte @dunkindonuts, tweet ya l8er.

Crossing the Border =Crossing the Street

In this economy it makes me wonder how our block can survive with not one, but two, Mexican grocery stores.

Don Juan grocery is like a little slice of Tijuana. A lot of weird food, trinkets, cheep beer, drunk immigrants standing around and homeless people. Every time I go over there it is a 30 minute adventure. The Bodega/Deli/Convenience store (depending on your part of the country) is about 10 steps from my door and what would be a run in and run out 1 minute trip almost ALWAYS turns into a nail biting crescendo of confusion at the cash register.

First of all Don Juan grocery has the most random items found at a grocery store. Pinto Beans, Chex Mix, fake chardonnay, pre packaged cups of ice, and lots and lots of jars of olives. Where this stuff comes from, I have no idea, but chances are the expiration date might have been scratched off.

People at the DJ Grocery range from your typical shopper; chips, soda, coffee with 8 sugars- to that guy with the eye-patch. There is also the orange hair homeless guy, short Dominican grey haired dude who stands between aisle one and two and people who often need change.

I want to stop on this subject for a second. Seriously how many people could need change in one night? I was at the competing grocery store across the street creatively named Mexican Grocery Store, where one night, I was in there buying coconut water and one yellow onion and a guy walked in and DEMANDED 60 $1 dollar bills in change for three twenties. What is he going to do with those I wonder? I'll leave it to your imagination, but this happens at least 20 times a night. I know, because every time I am in there 2 or 3 people ask for change.

The Mexican Grocery Store is not too bad. I only go in there because they sell Pace Queso in a jar and pre-zippy bagged cilantro! The woman behind the register with red-purple hair reminds me of the sister from Ugly Betty crossed with Cindy Lauper. She is always chewing gum and probably on her cell phone. One day I was in there to buy queso and it came in a three pack with two salsa jars. I asked her if she sold them separately. Without hesitation, she got out a pen and stabbed the cellophane holding them together, pulled them out and said..."yeah", chew chew chew. “Um...thanks” I said.

I mean, that is customer service if you ask me. Both stores always have a lot of people standing around coupled with VERY loud mariachi music and lots and lots of shouting. I almost always look like a deer in headlights trying to run across a 50 lane highway under construction.

Speaking of construction, Don Juan actually just remodeled. When they closed up the windows, I thought that was it, they are going out of business…..but no, they were closed for remodeling. I thought, oh nice maybe they will put in a legitimate freezer section, not just pinacolda mix and cool whip. I was then thinking maybe they will put in a coffee bar or even a fresh food section, rather than one tomatilla sitting on the counter.

Well apparently, "remodeling" means putting in stainless steal stackable wire kitchen racks, a place where they can store their Cotton Candy and Coriander.

The color is called Dark Recession..

I’ve cheated on my hairdresser only once in the last three years. It was a disaster. I answered an ad on Craigslist that said it was a FREE haircut from a “top salon.” Feeling adventurous, I thought I would try it out. It was terrible. It was some Ukrainian guy, fresh off the boat, cut my hair in zigzags.

Vowing to never do that again, I suddenly folded last week when I looked at my roots and gagged. I needed hi-lights fast.

But as Dolly Parton says “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.”

I’m out of money and I needed a discount. I get on Lifebooker.com. I wanted to see what salons were offered in the Lower East Side.

After scanning quickly I decided on Pimps and Pinups…sounds reputable.

I checked out there Web site to find they are a London based salon that is trying their hand at New York. They’ve only been open a few months. They have snuggled up in a tight little space over on Ludlow and Stanton and look more like a dive bar with Hollywood neon green lights than a hair salon.

I booked my appointment for a half a hair of hi-lights for 7pm. I know it seems strange to get your hair hi-lighted on a Friday night at 7pm, but given their name, I thought this might be when they get their most traffic. I don’t know… when do Pimps get their most traffic?

I tell my roommate that I’m going over to Pimps and Pinups and she said..“Hey it’s gotta be better than the Chinese lady down the street I went to.”

At that point I didn’t know what she was referring to.

She reminded me she got her hair cut by a Chinese salon that had chopped her hair to pieces with a meat clever…. But hers was 18 dollars and included a hair cut, wash, 15 minute massage and blow out. I LOVE YOU CHINA TOWN.

But my roomie reminded me that I was blonde.

“Remember how you always walk by those China Town Salons and you say all the posters look exactly the same…that is the point…they all look the same.”

Ah thank you, I felt good about her observations.

So I walk down to Pimps and Pinups and its hoppin’ on the Lower East Side. I’m not surprised; I mean it’s a Friday night.

I walk into the salon and its…crickets. The nice receptionist at the door exclaims..”Sarah!” I’m like “yes.. that is me.”

I look around and it’s a bunch of bored stylist reading magazines.

The receptionist takes my coat and walks away. I think she looks familiar in a very strange Samantha Ronson kind of way. She tells me to go sit in the chair, at which point a guy walks over and I’m thinking to myself, please god let this be the hair-sweeper guy.

“Hey..yo.. I’m Kenny and I’ll be your stylist,” said not the hair-sweeper guy.

GREAT.

Kenny is tatted out like you wouldn’t want. I think they are called arm sleeves. This is when you have your entire arm tattoed. He also had a gold tooth and sported a Jordan Knight hairdo circa 1988.

Oh God, was all I could think. He starts playing with my hair and asks what I want and I’m like, “well a half a head of hi-lights, that seems easy enough.” He continues to feel my hair. Creepy. Flipping it one side to the other, one side to the other, up down, like he had never seen hair before. He is also mumbling incoherently. I asked him if something was wrong to which he replied.

“No, I just can’t put it into words….”

Words? Words, I’m thinking. He is looking at my hair like he is planning to perform open heart surgery on my ear.

Finally, he tells me he is going to mix the color and runs away. Fast. I am CONVINCED I am on a hidden camera show. I start looking around and into the mirror. Where is the camera? Seriously?

The place is completely painted black. Black floors, black ceilings, black chairs, black towels, black shampoo bottles and I want HI-LIGHTS.

Someone offers me a few magazines, at which point the familiar-face receptionist comes over and offers me a drink. I agree. I NEED a drink.

Kenny is gone FOREVER. I am convinced he is smoking a bowl in the basement. Almost 20 minutes and 2 glasses of wine later, he comes back upstairs.

“Ragtop” Kenny starts working on my hair and asking me the most bizarre of questions. We start talking about gangster movies and Tulsa.

I’m assuming we got to this point in the conversation because I may have mentioned Bruce Springsteen playing at the Super Bowl on Sunday which led to “The Wrestler” Song he wrote for Mickey Rourke that won a golden globe. (Kenny loves Mickey Rourke. ) Which led the Larry King’s Interview with that Chris guy from WWE Wrestlmania talking about how he was going to give a smack down to Rourke, who challenged him to a bare-knuckle brawl. Well, he didn’t really challenge him. He just said he would go in the ring with him. Kenny informs me that Rourke is a really good fighter and could probably take him on. I’m convinced he couldn’t. I mean this guy is like 25 and talks menacingly but Kenny says Rourke knows how to fight, and he was a former boxer and he’s dirty. I agree. Which leads to Rourke being in some gangster movie that reminds Kenny of the “Outsiders” which was shot in …Tulsa.

So yea, apparently the manager at this store really likes gangsters and the movie the “Outsiders.” So he joins in the conversation. Kenny and the Manager start talking about how they could “take” any of the other salons in the area. In my mind at this point I’m thinking of Hair-Dresser Brawl 2009 on the corner Ludlow. Lots of scissors, really over-processed hair, bleach being thrown on black clothing to wild girlish screams…. And then every 30 seconds everyone would stop and use conditioner.

The cute manager is pretty cool, but if I were a bettin’ man I would NOT put money on him taking anyone down to China Town. I mean, China Town is really close so that metaphor doesn’t really work but let’s just say he has a British Accent and he was wearing a cardigan.

So manager keeps asking “canitopyaoff?” I just say yes and he gets me like 4 more glasses of wine and we engage in a thrilling conversation about how to manage a hair salon.

By the time I was done processing I was squinting out of one eye. It hadn’t seemed very long. Kenny unfoils me, drys and straight irons my hair like his high depends on it. I look in the mirror and ….

Well, I looked the same, except I was drunk and my hair was as flat as aluminum siding.

This was a clever ploy but it was never going to work. I asked what he had done. He was confused by the question (not hard to do)… I said, ”well I look exactly the same, so my question is ..what did you do?”

I was going to KILL Kenny! I suddenly had this urge to be in Hairdresser Brawl 2009. I was ready for a beat down. Where is Mickey when you need him.

I grabbed my coat and went to the register. I actually paid. I have no idea why. I didn’t tip him and I walked out. I was so pissed.

I cursed all the way home and repeated mantra…never cheat on hairdresser, never cheat on hairdresser, never cheat on hairdresser, never cheat on hairdresser.

The next morning I woke up, went to yoga, I was trying to meditate all my pent up hair-raising anger away when my phone rang… during dolphin pose. I un-dolphined and went over to my coat and grabbed my phone.

“Yes?!” I shouted forgetting my inner yogi.

“Hey Sarah… It’s Kenny, look ..yo…I know you were pretty pissed yesterday. …and I understand…It’s Okay….I want to fix it..soooo..if you could just give me another chance.”

Fine, I said. I mean, what could go wrong?

The appointment is tonight and if anything goes wrong I’m just going to go home and dye my hair Dark Recession.

The Swimming pool is fixed.

I feel like telling you some things I have learned since living in my new DREAM apartment.

To have heat:
My roommates and I went the entire month of November without heat. I supplemented with a tiny space heater that would probably warm a hot pocket if placed on it for about 20 minutes. The problem is, the heater turns off after 20 minutes. It is not as reliable as it should be when freezing through the night.

I complained so frequently at work about not having heat my Secret Santa this year gave me a space heater, this is when I fully realized “maybe we have a problem here”.

My roommate just happens to be a genius and she set up some excel sheet with multiple formulas to determine when we were in violations of a heating code in the apartment and when they weren’t…. based on an outside temperature and estimated (thank you meat thermometer) inside temperature. ( my old formula was …I can’t feel my face….this was not as scientific).

Well, she set up this scary looking chart and then a g-mail acct. She then posted it on the front door. Meanwhile, I called 311. (a side note on 311..I have no idea what I accomplished by calling them expect that I found out 11 other people had called to file a complaint) Anyway, 311 said they would “investigate.” Thank you 311.

So to make a long story short, we had an excel spread sheet, we had organized with in the building. We had filed a city complaint and we were freezing our asses off and then one day the heat came back on. It was like when you are in an elevator and you are going to your floor and everyone is silent and you are doing that shifty eye thing… then you hear the ding and you have that brief...very brief…feeling of satisfaction. Then you move forward. That is what it felt like to have the heat come back on. DING. Shifty eyes. Brief feeling of satisfaction. Then you move forward.

Due to some crafty footwork by my roommate we had our rent knocked off, which is nice. I did wake up Thanksgiving morning to go to work in the freezing Antarctica. At that exact moment I had nothing to be thankful for. BUT in December, when we had heat…I was thankful for …well I was thankful for my roommate …and then heat…until THE FLOOD.

The Hot Tub:
It was so nice to have heat again; I almost did not even notice that my room had one day turned into a hot tub. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would love to have that amenity, but I just felt cheated I was not prepared with a better raft. My BRAND new bed that I had spent 47 hours putting together was damn heavy and did not float in my new hot tub of a room.

If I had known sooner, I would have foregone the beautiful plat formed, 8 drawer, painted mahogany bed and gone with a more suitable IKEA plastic blowup raft with cup holders!

When I first moved to New York I slept on an Aero bed with 47 other people in an apartment in Brooklyn. I envied those days.

I called Alberto, our super, who may be Haitian. He speaks Hatilish. Some maybe Haitian…some Spanish..some English from what I can gather.

How you make appointments with Alberto is this. You call him. He says “ALO”. You say “hi this is sarah from Apt 6.” You state problem. He says. “WHA TIE” You say. 4 O’clock. He says. “uhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh” long pause. He says “ I can(inaudible) 4 O’clock”. You can’t decide if he said 4 O’clock. He can’t or he can. So you say. 4’ O’clock. He then repeats “4’Oclcok several times in a row.

The next day. You go to your house. It is 4’Oclock and he is not there. You call him. He answers. You say “Hi alberto it’s sarah from apt 6. It’s 4’Oclock…” He interrupts you….”I be there in ‘teen minutes.” You are not sure how long that is. So you wait.

He shows up maybe an hour later. Rings doorbell. You open the door. He comes in right past you to the Radiator (or said problem). He takes the valve off of the radiator and sprays water all over the room. He does not seem concerned. He says it’s the “valve” He replaces the “valve” and says. “is fixed”. Thanks Alberto.

Two hours later you are swimming off the coast of Broome Street once again.

The process repeats itself for 2 or 3 more weeks. Call Alberto “4 O’clock” Wait one hour Ring Doorbell. “Is Valve” replace valve. “Is fixed.” Swimming at 9pm.

One day you decide to call the management company. They schedule a plumber.

I show up at the apartment the day of my plumber “appointment”. The plumber says I am late. Alberto is there. He says I’m late too. But if I show up at 4’Oclock and my appointment is at 4 how am I late? They will not argue with me. The plumber tells me “whoever” pays the bill will have to pay the overtime for this. OKAY. GOOD START.

We go into the apartment. I shove dirty clothes under my bed as plumber….“Pablo,” plumber’s assistant… and Alberto RUSH into my room to FIX this radiator ASAP.

I begin to move the bed over and plumber yells at me for attempting to move the bed over. I’m reverting back to the image of Alberto spraying my whole room down last time. Thanks Alberto. The plumber says it’s not necessary. I move it anyway.

He then glances down at the on/off valve and does a 180 degree turn, glares at me and yells “HAVE YOUS BEN TOUCHIN THIS?” in a thick Bronx accent. I look at the valve. I look at him. I look at …Alberto has disappeared at this point. I’m not kidding. He was in the room and then he was gone.

“No…(I lied)…well yes…I mean …we’ve been having problem with the heat…so…I mean….when it is necessary…well…see we didn’t…” He cut me off. “YOU CANNNA TOUCH THIS” There was then a long soliloquy about touching radiator valves that I had a hard time following.

"dONT EVA… EVA touch the RAD- E- ator" (not pronounced RAY-Dee -Ator …as I so ignorantly have been calling it for some years).

Apparently touching the valve will ruin your life. So the plumber opened the valve unscrewed the RAD-E-ATOR from the pipes and asked Pablo to drain out the water. Radiators are heavy and I’m not sure how he was going to do this but he kept complaining it was hot. When he did this the plumber would then yell at him. “YOU’RE THE ONE THAT DECIDED NOT TO GO TO COLLEGE.”

Ouch.

So he drained it out and took a scolding in more ways then one. The plumber also added a “pitch” to the radiator. He said this was very important and blamed Alberto for not adding a “pitch” earlier.

Okay, so here are some rules to follow for RAD-E-ATORS:
1) DO NOT TOUCH
2) Needs said “pitch”
3) If you do not go to college you will be forced to drain scolding radiators with your bare hands


Silicon can fix everything:
One day my roommate mentioned the cabinets in the kitchen were falling off the walls. I went and checked it out and noticed this to, in fact, to be true. I thought about DIY, get out my drill and put some anchors in the wall and taking care of it with some heavy screws, but then decided there are probably more professional ways to do this and the management company probably doesn’t want me screwing with this cabinet.

I called Alberto. Usual procedure. “4 O’clock”….

He came by a few days later. I had moved everything in the kitchen out of the way, because he may be taking the cabinet down. He said it wasn’t necessary.

He screwed 14,000 screws into the cabinet and through the corresponding dry wall. He says it will hold until next week. Thanks. Alberto. He also added he will come by and put "silicon" around the outside of it, if it doesn't. I'm not worried...I feel like it will hold.

He also did the same thing to the bathroom fixture but said it needed "silicon" as well.

Alberto has this really great ability to fixate on one word. Last month it was "Valve". "Valve" this "Valve" that. We fix "valve." Now, it is "Silicon', “Silicon” this “Silicon” that. We fix with “Silicon.” Thanks. Alberto.

Gray Hair:
Living in New York will give you gray hair whether your Super dyes it or not.

The sink in the bathroom was not draining. I called Albert. Same procedure “4 O’clock”. …

He came by a week later with a gigantic bottle of bleach. He asked me for a coat hanger. Remembering the line “NO WIRE HANGERS”. I went into my closet and found plenty.

I gave him the hanger and I’m going to spare you the details because it was gross. He told me to not fix my hair over the sink. I said “THAT IS NOT MY HAIR!!! IT IS GRAY!!!!”

He said, “It’s the Bleach.”